The Neverending Birthday Story

Dear little blog, I have neglected you. I have traded my keys for black or blue pen ink, my lovely, easily edited rectangle of self-expression for college rule and lots of strike lines and errors. All my words go to SquidRecruit, and I'm not sure whether he likes that or not, because I have lots of words. But I promise to be more faithful, and to get caught up.

First thing you need to know is that Bug was born on July 6th, and Sugarplum came almost five full years later on July 1st.

Second, you need to know that this year, we've been celebrating their birthdays since June 7th. Yes, that's right. I can hear your gasps of horror, seasoned mothers of military brats...go easy on me. I'm learning.

We celebrated for three days with Daddy before he left. We celebrated on the actual days. We celebrated with separate sets of grandparents. We celebrated with a family party as well as a sleepover. And now, unless there is a surprise party no one told me about, we may finally be finished. Don't get me wrong, I love birthdays- especially my babies' birthdays. I'm pretty sure they should be national holidays. However, it appears that I am birthday'd all the way out. I have just enough energy from the leftover cake to recap.

We'll start with Sugarplum Fairy, because although she lacks seniority, she wins in the calendar race. Sugarplum wanted a birthday alliteration: pancakes, popsicles in the park, and possibly a pony ride. It was overall a good day, all wishes granted, but oh my goodness did that child want her Daddy. More than other days. It's amazing what such a tiny little person can perceive. I have to say, as much as I hate that I can't do anything for her when Daddy is all she wants, I adore her for knowing she deserves his time, deserves his presence and attention. She may not get it every time she wants it, but I love how she knows she's entitled to it. Here is my favorite moment from her day:

We braved 4th of July weekend in Tourist Town head-on to get to the final birthday wish. That, my friends, is called love. She had four ponies to choose from, and of course, of course,  she chose the one named "Ms. Priss"- they were a match made in Heaven. Pretty as can be and slightly stubborn to lead, but a total joy. Bug's pony "Patches" was much more cooperative, but slightly hyper. Another match well made.

Bug chose a day at the pool, an Egyptian restaurant, ice cream on a deck, and a twilight ride to our favorite tiny airport to see planes because they make him think of Daddy, but in a happy way. I'm with him on that. Oh and before you get too impressed with my little adventurer's choice of Egyptian food, I must tell you: he goes there for the grilled cheese. Sadly his pool day was cut short by storms, but he insisted it was still "The best birthday ever...well one of them, I should just say that, 'cause how do I know what I thought about my birthday when I was really young, like two?" Here's my favorite Bug birthday moment:

 

The owner of the restaurant plopped this down on his head, and being the ham he's always been, he rolled with it. And for those of you who peruse backgrounds...that is my brother, father of my precious precious niece Moo, from now on referred to as Jarhead (Yes, he's a future Marine. It's in the water around here.) in a mullet hat/wig combo, also pulled from the restaurant owner's wide array of costumery. I think he looks extra fancy. And Bug, as always just looks spectacular. This kid could rock anything.

I wouldn't trade those days, and the other five or ten or so of celebrating for the world...but I wished with all my heart that our SR could have been there. The kids did get some pretty amazing "cards" from a certain naval base in Great Lakes, complete with highlighter yellow embellishments. I really do love that man, and I'm hoping and praying that next year he and his endless ingenuity are here with us to celebrate two extra candles being blown out. SR...our babies. All our lives rolled into two little people. Yours and mine- too big, too fast.

Real first lesson in being a military spouse: You don't say "goodbye."

*Forewarning: this is not my favorite blog to write. Nor will it be my most eloquent. I'd rather just not, but since the idea of this was to record our Navy life experience...I probably should.*

At first, I will admit I thought this "don't say goodbye" business seemed like semantics. It's all the same, right? See you later, see you soon, goodbye- they all seemed to be created equal. SquidRecruit was pretty insistent on not saying goodbye- not even bye really. I was okay with his decision, and he's not alone- I've heard funny stories from miltary fiances, wives, and girlfriends about their soldier/airman/coastie's odd little quirks and preferences when it came to parting. But, I just did not get it- it just all really seemed the same!

Until SquidRecruit was actually leaving. Then goodbye would not come out. It was too heavy on the tongue, the end sounding much too far off in the distance, and my mouth just refused to cooperate with my brain. Especially with my completely heartbroken Bug right there. That word was not an option. We HAD to say see you later, see you soon. Bug had to know we would in fact see him soon, and I think we did too. We had a shorter send-off for him than anticipated, but it ultimately was less painful for our sweet son that way- Sugarplum Fairy was totally oblivious, fussing over a lid to her drink most of the time the rest of us were trying to cope. But oh poor Bug...he was a mess, which of course made messes of us. We left SR with his recruiter once the tears had eased. SR refused to leave till our little man was okay, which I love him for- and before anyone says it- yes, I know we will not always have that luxury, but this time we did and I thank God for it. Bug let it all out again on the way home, but calmed down in time to go in the grocery store to pick out whatever ice cream he wanted for dinner. His dad wouldn't actually leave till the next day, and we'd talk to him more than once in that time gap, but the worst part turned out to be over for Bug- I was so afraid afterwards that he'd be upset for so long. It felt like anything could remind him and upset him. It's something awful to watch your strong little firstborn crumble and hurt like that- it made SR and I positively panic.

The good news is, he really didn't. Each day after got better, apart from Father's Day- that was tough of course, kind of salt in an open wound. But since then, Bug has done really well. Sugarplum has bouts of demanding her Daddy, getting kind of angry, and then moving on for a while, and then the cycle begins again. Bug just let his pour out- Sugarplum kind of has a slow leak going. I know this sounds like a lot, but honestly, it's been much more manageable than I imagined. Getting the box and then the letter from his RDC (boot camp instructor) was really exciting for us- we have a brand new appreciation for the mailman. Their "Dad Dog" and "Daddy Bear" have been invaluable. We miss SR terribly, but we're finding a groove that works while he's away, and it's very obvious how much our amazing friends and family have been praying for us, and been there for us face to face as well. That and the wonderful support of the ladies at Navy For Moms have been lifelines. I feel like if this were a test, overall we are passing. I just hope Great Lakes is ready for our brood come August...

The Box

I promise I will get to the goodbyes and aftermath soon, but..I had to post this:

WE GOT THE BOX.

Oh yes. I have been waiting for this bad boy since last week, when I found out other people were receiving their SR's box. This box contains everything that they had with them when they made it to RTC, and can apparently invoke all sorts of emotions in its recipients; sometimes almost mourning even. Not me. As soon we pulled in the driveway, I saw it. And I squealed, which prompted Bug to ask if it was a happy or sad squeal. Happy I told him, and happy I was. We brought it in and had to open it immediately, and Bug grabbed SR's bag as fast as he could and called dibs. Always an advocate for modesty, Sugarplum needed to know what her Daddy was wearing after seeing clothes being pulled out. She finds the fact that SquidRecruit has to have shots and has a bedtime hilarious, but the thought of having to show skin was enough to make her nervous. Love it. Anyway, we got the box, it contained two shirts that smelled just like my amazing husband and it was the best day I've had in a week, and a much appreciated follow up to a rough Father's Day.

Twelve thousand words

`I don't know what to say about our last week with SquidRecruit, other than it was amazing. It was everything I built it up to be and then some. There were some hard goodbyes, but there were some fantastic moments. He had so many people sending him off with well wishes and prayers, and our families by our sides all the way through. The smoothness of that time carried me all the way to the day he left. I decided instead of writing down every single thing, I'd just let the pictures tell the story- I'll need all my keyboard letters for the next post I do believe.

The guys doing "guy stuff"...ya know, the kinds of things that require their giant guy muscles.

One of several of the kids' birthday surprises: a build a bear with a special message from Daddy. Big hit, before and after he left.

Last trip to church before he headed out...took way too long to get this as usual!



Getting their energy up for....

....

Geocaching! We spent our last full day together geocaching, and we drug Pops and a VERY apprehensive Mamaw B along with us.

Sugarplum's geocache trade

Flowers picked by our little cousin, placed in the cup where there had been lemonade, also made by same little cousin and given to SR on his last night home. He's missing him a lot already, as has his sister. Sweet kiddos.

SR getting chewed on by precious niecey Belle, our little Japanese import. Check out Bug and Daddy's identical head angle and face...pricless.

Last picture sent to Daddy from the kiddos before his flight

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

As of today, after 21 months of all sorts of hurdles, hoops, talks, and lofty plans, futureSquid is now a SquidRecruit. And already he's missed in a huge huge way. When I've regained thoughts that run together smoothly, I will recap his departure and relive those sweet weeks before. In the meantime...we're hangin' in there, and God is good- all the time.

Bear Necessities.

Life just got pretty simple.

"It's a month from today," I said to futureSquid.

"Yeah. I know."

Hard to think about, sad to think about. No sense in sitting and thinking about. So, what to do?

Well go on one of our many random day trips, of course. We drop by to grab Mamaw B, and we're off to Cherokee, NC.

We enjoyed the amazing sunny view on the ride up, fed bears, walked around the tiny zoo, had  ice cream, and headed home listening to Bug's new music. It was what it was, and it was wonderful. It was Daddy and Mommy and Bug and Sugarplum and Mamaw, and every combination of all five. And that's where we are right now. Things are uncomplicated, and deliberately so. No unnecessary stress, no guilt-induced obligations. Just time spent making sweet memories to hold us over until we're back together.

When things get hard or unpredictable, I have a tendency to pare down: what matters the most, and what hinders the things that matter from being at their best? This is why life for the next four weeks' time revolves a whole lot around what it is that futureSquid wants to do with it, and also why I decided long ago that after saying goodbye to him, the kiddos and I are leaving directly to take a short hiatus from normal life. Running away? Perhaps. But I just don't think I'll be ready for tilted heads and the "how are you"s with that tone...or worse. Selfishly, aside from Bug and Sugarplum Fairy, I think I need a few days before dealing with anyone else's possible grief. I need to see them okay, then go from there. Keeping things very basic, no pun intended.

We will return much sooner than later, and it will be to the most supportive system of family and friends. Happily this will include Airman, Mo, and beautiful  baby Belle all the way from Japan. They will never know how grateful I am that they will be here to see futureSquid off, and that when I return I'll get to love on Belle, joke around with Airman, and get nostalgic with Mo about misadventures in staying busy, not so very long ago when the then-futureAirman left his beautiful new bride at home to set off for basic training of his own. It felt like an eternity at the time, but it came and went. That passed, and this shall, too- something I'm sure I'll have to remind myself of more than once this summer. 

Listen, Mommy

It's amazing what can happen in a month- it's amazing that so much can happen in a month. I'd like to say all changes have been good, but the truth is that most of the changes I have witnessed in the past thirty days are not things I can even type out right now. Several occurances, several "hits," all isolated, unrelated, desctructive, altering the lives of my family, my friends. Broken hearts, reputations, faith, and so much more left in the wake, and I've been asking "why": Why to God, to those responsible, to those who are affected but innocent; I have been swimming in a giant sea of why. And truth be told, I've felt anger. I'm not terribly accustomed to this kind of anger, and I've found it to be a very distracting emotion- I've felt half-there through so many important aspects of life lately. This evening during our family worship time, Sugarplum Fairy requested her favorite song, "Revelation Song."  Remembering that a friend had just recently posted that very thing, instead of just singing it ourselves as we sometimes do, I pulled it up, hit play, and turned my head to mention something I'd remembered to futureSquid (that whole half-there thing rearing its head). Sugarplum fairy sat up from her nook in my lap, put her hands on my face, and said "Listen, Mommy. LISTEN." and went back to enjoying the song. Charmed by the endearing little move and her intense love for the music, I put the conversation on hold, and I listened. And I heard what I'd been needing to hear this whole time- a beautiful reminder that God is in control. Tears filled my eyes. I felt the kind of peace that comes from truth- the kind of peace that has been eluding me. Maybe, almost certainly, I would have gotten to this place sooner had I paused for an answer as opposed to questioning without ceasing. All things come together for His good, and I pray I learn to stop myself in those times of panic; lift my eyes to the hills and wait for my Help, but tonight I'm so thankful for those sweet little hands that made me quiet my mind, just be still and know that He is God.

edit: for those who haven't heard this beautiful song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FObjd5wrgZ8