august

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My homeschooling truth.

Here is MY homeschooling truth. Mine- it may not be anyone else's. But I suspect it could be. So here's the deal:

Homeschooling is hard.

Oh my goodness, it got said, and the earth didn't split open? Better not say it again, just in case.

But seriously, why is this taboo? Perhaps I was asking the wrong questions when I talked to homeschooling families. Did I say things in a way that implied I thought the day to day curriculum would be the tedious part? Was that why I was guided to lesson plans as assurance I'd be fine? I'm not sure, but in hindsight I feel like it was meant to be a secret. I just don't see why- something can be hard and still completely worth it. Completely. The torture of getting through that first day of long division was quickly replaced by the high of watching it click, the way Bug then took pride in solving those problems- something akin to letting go of the bike for the first time and watching them go. Telling me how hard it can be wouldn't have deterred me. In fact, the not knowing, the feeling like I was the only one- it was very discouraging. Those first couple of weeks were hard, and I doubted myself a lot. I'm thankful my aunt gave me gentle nudges as she went through it again for the first time in almost a decade, and that my therapist friend kept cheering me on, wanting me to succeed (perhaps as her guinea pig), and that Squid was endlessly patient with my back and forth, playing a very handsome Switzerland. If not for them, I think I may have quit after those first two weeks out of fear I wasn't doing what was best for Bug. Even after all my big talk, my social network declarations against the system, I was scared. The fear that I wasn't doing enough for him, being enough, teaching enough was heavy. I never wanted to stop for my sake. The days I wanted to stop were the days I felt like I was short-changing my child. I was too green to feel confident in anything other than the lessons plans, and he was burning through my carefully charted curriculum so fast I didn't quite know what to do with him. I woke up in the mornings with my stomach in knots about it. I went as far as to call the school he was zoned for. I just wanted. what. was. best. And I did not know what that was.

I'd like to tell you that I now have it all figured out, but I'd be lying. God's grace, time, and a tiny bit of experience now have me in a much more confident place- I do not ask myself anymore if I'm doing the best thing. I am certain that we are doing what's right for Bug in these circumstances. Next year is up in the air- as I said, I just want to give them their best shot, and I'm not too proud to say if that isn't me. But...maybe I also need to be confident enough to say when it is. I'm so sorry that this doesn't wrap up nicely, and I'm sorry if it leaves anyone unsure- that would never be my intention. In fact, I'm hoping that if you happen to be reading this and happen to be homeschooling and happen to have a day where you're tempted to just hide under your comforter and call "in-service", that you may remember someone else has felt that way and survived to teach another day. Here's what I can say: I can say there's not been a second of this school year that hasn't been completely worth it; I can say it is a beautiful thing to behold your child learning in a way that maybe you'd miss if he were in school for eight hours a day; I can say even a quick trip to the commissary can become a lesson, which to me and Bug is just plain fun because we're nerdy like that; I can say he is excelling, and I can say I've been humbled, which I hear is good for you. Oh, and I can also say that I think the teacher should get a Starbucks card for Christmas.

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